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The Bible tells it all wrong, Lucy thinks dreamily. Living in hell is not hot, it\u2019s dark and wet. No flames, no screams, no shrieking\u2026 There\u2019s just darkness. Merciful, pitiful darkness.<\/strong> \u2018Lucy?\u2019 \u2018Lucy? Can you hear me?\u2019 His voice is dark with rage, but she can see tears in his eyes.’You do understand, don\u2019t you, Barney?\u2019 O God, the girls! Lizzy, Bertha, Mary\u2026 For the first time since Captain Buchanan came to their house this afternoon, Lucy feels something stirring inside her. Barney is right. Her daughters\u2019 future now depends solely on her. \u2018But I\u2026 I can\u2019t go home like this,\u2019 she whispers, suddenly scared. A stabbing pain flashes through her chest, and she winces. God wouldn\u2019t send Barney to save her and then let her die of a heart attack, would he? She bites her lip. No, not even He would be so cruel. The pain must be the grief she doesn\u2019t want to feel. The grief that will rip her apart if she lets it. Her fingers claw in Barney\u2019s arm as she reaches out to him, begging him. \u2018I can\u2019t go back to the house, Barney. The girls… If they see me like this, all wet and muddy… It will scare the hell out of them.\u2019 Bowed low against the strong winds they stumble through the narrow alleys of the town to her sister\u2019s house, each step taking her away from the cold and hostile sea where Captain Buchanan said her loved ones have found their grave. Standing at the sink she\u2019d heard his screams when he hit the cold water, had seen her husband\u2019s desperate hands trying to grab their son\u2019s head, and failing\u2026 failing\u2026 \u2018God must have sent Barney to save you,\u2019 says her sister as she hands Lucy the dry clothes. \u2018I know your grief seems unbearable now, dear, but you must think of the girls. What would\u2019ve become of them if you\u2026 And don\u2019t forget you still have Aron. He\u2019s such a strong boy. He will take care of you and the girls!\u2019 \u2018Don\u2019t forget to count your blessings, Lucy,\u2019 her sister says. And counting her blessings is what Lucy does. All the way home, and every day of the lonely years to come.<\/span><\/p>\n Sh<\/span>e counts them… one by one.<\/p>\n Dedicated to my great-great-grandmother Huibertje van der Hoeven<\/em> <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The Bible tells it all wrong, Lucy thinks dreamily. Living in hell is not hot, it\u2019s dark and wet. No flames, no screams, no shrieking\u2026 There\u2019s just darkness. Merciful, pitiful Verder lezen Fisherman’s wife<\/span>
\n<\/span><\/p>\n
\nShe recognizes the voice. It\u2019s her brother-in-law\u2019s. What\u2019s he doing in hell? He shouldn\u2019t be here. This was supposed to be something between her and the sea. Or, more precisely, something between her and God. God, who betrayed her. God, who so cruelly bereaved her of the ones she loved.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n
\nNo, I can\u2019t hear you<\/em>, she wants to scream. Because hearing you means I\u2019m still alive.<\/em> But instead she whispers: \u2018It\u2019s okay\u2026 I\u2026 I hear you.\u2019 The smell of dead fish, rotting on the street, is making her sick. She coughs, spitting out the salt water that burns in her throat.
\n\u2018Oh Lucy, thank God! I thought you were\u2026\u2019
\n\u2018I\u2019m not.\u2019
\n\u2018What were you thinking, you\u2026 you stupid woman!\u2019
\n\u2018I wasn\u2019t thinking.\u2019 Unwillingly she opens her eyes. His worried face is right above her, looking at her as if she just climbed out of her grave. And maybe she did. \u2018I don\u2019t want<\/i> to think, Barney. If I think, I\u2019m going mad.\u2019
\n\u2018You\u2019ve gone mad already. Look what you were about to do!\u2019<\/span><\/p>\n
\n\u2018No, Lucy, I don\u2019t. You\u2019re lucky I came after you when I saw you running out of the house as if the devil himself was at your heels. One second later and the wave would\u2019ve\u2026\u2019 Shaking his head, he clears his throat and spits on the pavement. Then he grabs her by the shoulder. \u2018Come on, woman, I\u2019ll take you home. You\u2019ll catch pneumonia if you walk around like this much longer. And what will happen to the young ones if you die? Have you thought about that? The workhouse… that\u2019s where they will end up. You know very well that Jo and I can\u2019t afford to feed another three mouths.\u2019
\n<\/span><\/p>\n
\n\u2018Imagine how they would have felt if we\u2019d had to bring you home wrapped in white linen,\u2019 Barney grumbles, but when he sees her pleading eyes, he surrenders. \u2018Okay then, we\u2019ll go to our house first. I guess your sister will have a dry skirt for you in her closet.\u2019
\n\u2018Thank you,\u2019 she mumbles, and clutches his arm when he helps her to her feet.<\/span><\/p>\n
\nShe hadn\u2019t even blinked when he told her how their ten-year-old son, her little Pete, had been swept from the deck by a huge wave. Her face hadn\u2019t cringed when he went on, his voice hoarse, saying that her husband had drowned as well in an attempt to rescue him. The crew had searched for them the whole night, but neither of them could be found.
\n\u2018The sea giveth and the sea taketh away\u2026\u2019 Those were the only words she had said, before thanking him politely for telling her in person. She was a fisherman\u2019s wife, and before that a fisherman\u2019s daughter. She knew the dangers of the sea.
\nBut later that night, when she was cleaning the dishes after the meal, she\u2019d heard the screaming in her head. \u2018Mummy! Mummy! Mummy<\/i>!\u2019
\nHer Petey, her youngest son, so proud to go on his first trip to sea.
\n\u2018When I come back, I\u2019ll buy you a new apron, mummy,\u2019 he had whispered in her ear, just before he\u2019d boarded the ship.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n
\nWithout thinking she\u2019d ripped off her apron and run out of the house, into the storm. At the end of the quay she\u2019d come to a halt, her fist lifted to the dark skies, her angry cries mingling with the screams of the seagulls. \u2018Why, God? Why? Don\u2019t You do this to me! You have to bring them back. I beg of You\u2026 Please, please bring them back or\u2026 Or You better take me as well!\u2019
\nThe breaking waves had pulled at her long skirts, dragging her closer and closer towards the water. She\u2019d seen the big wave coming, had felt its salt water splashing over her. But before God could fulfil her prayer, Barney had pulled her away from the slippery quayside and prevented her from falling over the edge.<\/span><\/p>\n
\nYes, Aron, her oldest and now only son. But he\u2019s only fifteen, far too young to earn enough money to feed a family of five.
\nLucy sighs. She knows it will be hard. She\u2019ll have to go down on her knees and beg the foreman for work at the fish factory. Maybe the wife of the shipowner will let her do some extra sewing in the evenings if she asks politely. And there\u2019s Lizzy, who will turn eight next month, old enough to work as a kitchen maid in one of the shipowner\u2019s houses. They\u2019ll manage. They have to.<\/span><\/p>\n
\n\u00a9W.H. 04\/2012<\/p>\n